*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
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How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.