Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
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*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
“HELP WITH CAT”
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.