Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
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[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
this is me
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
what?
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”