Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
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No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
same vibe as tangled headphones
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
i was made for a simpler time. when people made their own clothes. and politely died of syphilis.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside