The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
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Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.