Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
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Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”