He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
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cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
If a snake ate a cake
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?