Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
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Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest