REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
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If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry