Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
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Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked