Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
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Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”