“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
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If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?