“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
![]()
You Might Also Like
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.