Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies

I’m putting together a team

INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?

ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?

I: um no that’s not

ME: I bet they use a puppercut

My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

looks legit

“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.

ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

Hotels are back

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.