I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
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Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.