[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
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*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
oh shit
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch