Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
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If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Natty or not?
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
This fish is cracking me up
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.