“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
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Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure