I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
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and now we wait
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Owl Sanctuary
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.