I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
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*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.