We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Sex so good you see dead people.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I’m awake but I object,
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.