Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
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Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.