Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
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Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
dads on road-trips be like
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.