Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
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Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
CUTE CAT‼︎
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office