Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
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*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
went fishing caught a bass
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
this makes me so uncomfortable
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.