Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
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Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
How software testing works
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
bout dat hot dog summer
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)