REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
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Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
There is wisdom there.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…