[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
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[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
the #horror is real!
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”