me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
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Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.