Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
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My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
my proudest tweet
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I love wikipedia
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.