my proudest tweet
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I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
uh oh
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry