I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
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Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.