age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
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I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
My five year plan is a meteorite
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.