Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
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me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Sharon I have some bad news
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
damn he’s good
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.