Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
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meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human