After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
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I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
The glory of fall.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?