By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
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Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.