Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
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The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
He’s cranky this morning
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it