Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
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I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.