A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
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[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Sponch
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough