I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
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[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
incredible
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Body by cheese-puffs.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.