Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
You Might Also Like
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.