When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
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A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals