Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
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Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I’m literally crying
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz