Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
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Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?