If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.