[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
You Might Also Like
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before