Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
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“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Meowchelangelo
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.