I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
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For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.