My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
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I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
This pepper has seen some shit
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.