I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
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In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I can also cook 😂
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.