*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
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it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm