You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
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The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
yeah 😭
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I forgot how to panic. Help
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!