“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
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Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
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Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I didn’t come here to be called names
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You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
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I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I saw this ending much differently.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.